There are days, like today, when I think to myself, "What could I of done differently?" "How could I of made things better?" "Was it MY fault?!?!" I sit here and criticize myself. I sit here and think over every comment, every argument, every thing that I could of possibly done to make things better. What if I said "this" instead of "that?" How would that of made things? Would we still have our family? Our home?
I used to have a happy home. Married, had our first child, then it started....
He locked his computer. He hid his phone messages. He became distant. A person I didn't know anymore. We were fighting more than ever. Eventually he stopped telling me when he was going to be home. He was going out and not telling me where. When he was home, he just wasn't here.
I started doing the same thing. I turned to alcohol and going out with friends instead of being at home.
So why today of all days, almost 2 years later, am I sitting here blogging about how hurt I still am?
Because I was in it for the long haul. In the end I believed in us. I believed in our love. I believed we could get through anything because we loved each other. That belief disappeared when I found out he had been seeing someone else. And it was confirmed on our 6 year anniversary.
Now almost 2 years later, the divorce is almost finalized. I woke up today wanting to cry. Wanting to try to go back in time and try to make things better. I think that is with anyone who is/was in love with someone they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. Then realizing it will not happen.
I know I am not innocent is all this. I know there are things that were my fault. I know and wish I could of done things differently. But it is too late. We sign the papers soon. Then I move. Move all the way across the county to Texas from Wyoming.
I move back home.
In some ways I do feel like I am running away. Running away from the hurt, the pain. Running away from seeing him. We have a beautiful child together. Right now he sees her every weekend and I want him to see her. He is a fantastic father. No matter my personal feelings for him, he is so loving, caring, and amazing with our daughter. I know it is going to be hard when we move and those every week visits will turn into only summers, spring break, and every other Christmas.
I am moving to be with my family. (Why I moved to Wyoming is a whole different story.) I am transferring with my job. I really do feel like I need a new start. Away from the memories. Currently, I am living in our home that we bought together. The town I currently live in is so small that every time I turn around I feel like I am reminded of him.
I have tired to make new memories with the guy I am with now. I know I am reserved. I hold back. I am currently pregnant with his first child, and my second. Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend. We decided to have a baby as consenting adults. Getting pregnant was not an accident. We had many conversations before I decided to get off birth control. Now I am 7 months along. My daughter is so excited to be a big sister.
I guess the reason I am sitting here all emotional, besides my hormones, is because everything seems to be happening too fast. The divorce is almost done, moving in 3 months, and having a baby. Maybe my body and brain are just overwhelmed.
I read this blog the other day:
http://m.theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
That also got me thinking. What if I had done the same thing? But in the end I need to realize it was way too late for us. He already made his choice. He was already seeing someone else. And that, I could not come back from. That is the one thing in relationship, not just a marriage, that I will not forgive.
It is ok to grieve a love lost. I am learning that. I didn't really deal very well when this was all first happening. Now I have grown and matured greatly in 2 years. It is just getting my life back on track. Being the person I know I can be and that I am. Moving forward for both my daughters. Finding the strength to carry on and not look back with regret.
No comments:
Post a Comment